WHAT'S IN THE VONJ?

So what's in this chicken factory smell anyway?  

I'm not a professional chemist.  No chicken factory would ever pay for me to give the public my opinion on air pollutants arising from poultry waste rendering. 

They include organic sulphides, hydrogen sulphide, disulphides, C-4 to C-7 aldehydes, trimethylamine, C-4 amines, quinoline, dimethyl pyrazine, other pyrazines, and C-3 to C-6 organic acids. 

In addition, lesser amounts of C-4 to C-7 alcohols, ketones, aliphatic hydrocarbons, and aromatic compounds are potentially emitted.   

You can add residues from pesticides and the veterinary medicines without which the concentration camp chicken dies in its thousands. 

This website isn't primarily about animal welfare or even whether it's safe to breathe in Ptuj.  

Rather it is about its vonj.  

"Vonj" is Slovenian for "a smell".

Air in Ptuj has been exchanged for a routine vonj, a poultry-based agroindustrial soup.  

In spite of daily olfactory offences, I haven't heard any serious objections.

Why not?  I can't think of any reason why you need these chemicals in your air, so the explanation must be sociological rather than nutritional.

Again, I'm no sociologist, but it's a fashionable subject so off we go.

Slovenia, sociologically, is here.

Slovenian Ronnie Corbetts (who know their place) are a tough, manly race accustomed to hard drinking and cheap super-toxic Balkan fags. 

Ecology does not put food on the table and anyone who speaks against obnoxious air pollutants is likely to encounter the traditional reactions you might expect. 

Obviously most Ptuj people have better things to worry about than air, e.g. God's will.

Atheists are still sufficiently outnumbered to be regarded as wrong.

If you make a fuss about breathing meat rendering fumes in Ptuj you will stand out as unusually sensitive.  

In the hick town drunk Catholic mind there can only be one reason for atheism and sensitivity: you're a gay, and therefore also a pedophile.  

Hmm.  I wonder where that came from?  

So there's always a certain amount of scatology in the air.  Scientists call this Background Poo.

Sex is uncommon.  The 1960s, 1970s and 1980s were not allowed in Yugoslavia.  

Slovenians often feel sensitive and ready for a love-in.  However they have arranged for this to be almost impossible.  To avoid embarassment their affections are quickly transferred to the Great Sex Totems of their native culture.

You can see it's a very small country, with a negative birth rate (1.31).  

There are no disobedient Slovenian sons or daughters whatsoever.  

The non-Slovenian world is divided into the whiter North (welcome, rich but arrogant) and the darker South (you're a criminal).  

Because God is in charge, and blessed are the meek, moaning about shitty air would imply that you think the whole air is somehow your business, therefore you can be safely classified as bigheaded and insufficiently socially restrained.

Slovenians: You are surely not complaining about Background Poo?

Foreigners: The solution to your complaint about Slovenia's racially superior air will be for you to go back where you came from.  

Yup, bye!!

Tobacco, and foods laced with monosodium glutamate (E621) may also dull Slovenians' senses of smell and taste.  Not compared to other Slovenians of course!  Slovenians live closer to the earth, on the other hand.  Traditionalness is more important than variety on Slovenian menus, so why enhance the taste?  Slovenians are nice and therefore generally trusting people so you can still sell them all sorts of food.

Slovenians remain at school until their late 30s and live with their mum.   

Qualifications are essential to prove that you know stuff.  Further proof is generally not necessary.

We don't contest the fact that the chicken factory rendering plant has been designed, built and run by fully qualified municipal planners, engineers and veterinary biohazard experts.

Nor is there any question about the professionalism behind the four-star Hotel Primus and health spa Terme Ptuj, run by fully qualified tourism and  healthspa-ing experts only half a mile from the stinky rendering operations.

There might be an educated explanation for their proximity.  Luckily getting pissed is very popular, and the sons and daughters of the Slovenian John Cleeses and Ronnie Barkers can safely booze away the first half of their lives studying sociology and economics in thousands of bars while the actual work is done by weatherbeaten drunks in polyester overalls boozing away the second half of theirs.  

So with his mum washing his keks and his proper job safely in the remote future, the student poultry poo panellist is unlikely to learn enough about the relevant pongs to represent a threat to Ptuj's traditional atmosphere until he's finished with college, brain-damaged from binge drinking, out of wind, still living with his folks and wondering where the years went.  

When finally, clutching a fistful of diplomas, the Slovenian Cleese or Barker crawls half dead out of the educational system, his dad or uncle will get him a job...at the chicken factory maybe!

Perhaps he'll get busy providing positive analysis results for the so-called Environment Ministry so politicians can declare that everything is on target.  

As a school leaver he'll be too old and weary to worry about the futility of this.

Maybe he'll organise jolly barbecue and drinking parties and sports events for the workforce, provide advertorial puff for the media, or engage in other public relations work.  

And so chicken business is woven into every Štaerska tradition.

All of which is great...Big Chicken can afford all these for the nose-deaf citizenry of Ptuj.  

But the chicken chiefs can't afford the basic decency of fresh air.

This is because they are qualified in business studies, not respiratology.

The tourist topguns are not sufficiently powerful to offer hotel guests relief from  Big Chicken's gases, are partly-owned by, and wholly related to, the poultry personnel, and unable to reconcile their tourism ambitions with their traditional disdain for the non-Slovenian things in the world: foreigners and unflavoured air, for example.

Wouldn't clean air be worth the money, though?  The question is whose money?  More than with most businesses, the hallmark of the successful chicken farmer is calculating stinginess.  Remember Himmler?

And why spend a fortune on scrubbers when you can just have a party?  Mass-mollification is not just for the chickens.  The Cleeses are also aware of the value of providing corporate-sponsored crowdpleasing activities for the human chicken community, a jovial tribe of Rab C Nesbitts.  

Any off-message, troublemaking killjoys who are against economic progress would be rather easily marginalised for their gay, Satanic, anti-smell ways.

Your importance as a chicken PR person is that you are much cheaper than chlorine dioxide.

Like any teenager, Slovenia is petulantly determined to do things its own way.  

And after 2000+ years of being invaded, sensitive to any negative opinions about anything Slovenian.

This applies even to things as patently rubbish as Ptuj's interminable stinks. 

My unqualified socioscatological analysis is nearly complete.  

Simply add the fact that their  mum/dad/aunt/uncle/cousin/brother/sister/son/daughter (delete as applicable) are financially dependent on chickens.  

Without it they would have even less money.  Hey presto!  Slovenia's national chicken factory smell is unassailable.  It's the Will of God!

We at the Faculty of Theoretical Fresh Air realise that our thoughts as non-smoking, unqualified, foreign consumers of Ptuj's dirty air with no financial stake in the poultry industry are very biased, unscientific and count for nothing.  

About the right to breathe, we can't even complain in the Slovenian language.  Our opinion is valueless.

So what is our valueless, unscientific opinion?   Where has our painstaking research into the glutinous atmospheric situation in Ptuj led us?  

It is time to present...Our Report.

IT FUCKING STINKS  

That's a pity, because Ptuj happens to be a great little town, with many fine people.  

But that one major flaw will impede progress as surely as a hailstorm of frozen kuna piss.

Our table confirms the known fact that people vary in their sensitivity to aromas.  

It compares what  concentrations of Ptuj's added air ingredients might be perceived by tourists and gays (left column of figures) and Slovenians (right column): 

The reader will observe that being an unrealistically positive drunk smoker who knows his place, and who leaves air to people who finally get qualified in middle-age, decreases the Slovenes' already negligible sensitivity to the volatile organic compounds.

Meanwhile, in the gay countries where tourists come from, VOCs are considered an odour nuisance in residential areas near rendering plants, and emission controls are directed toward stench elimination.  

Elimination, not reduction.

That's because the non-Slovenian detection threshold for many of these compounds is low; sometimes as low as 1 part per billion (ppb).

Many resources are deployed during the pong production process to ensure the flavour is just right

Of the probable VOCs, only quinoline is classified as a hazardous air pollutant. 

So not only is the chicken factory making you rich, it might stop you catching malaria too, even if this makes you twitch a bit,  And what about those other chicken medicines?  

In the US, arsenic contamination of chicken dragged on until FDA permits for Roxarsone were finally withdrawn until 2016.

But in Ptuj, there couldn't be any Roxarsone-derived arsenic remaining in the bodies of anyone born after 1999.

Leaving just people over 19, who ate chicken or breathed Ptuj's air, no longer at risk of further arsenic accumulation from these choices they were to blame for before then.  

2019- 1999 = 20 years.

But who really knows when or whether Roxarsone was used?  Don't worry, nobody's measured arsenic from that in anyone.  Assays would all be confounded by smoking anyway.  I'm sure you can trust the company with these type of evaluations, it's all a long time ago, and lawyers are only for chicken companies.

ou may live in Ptuj and like chicken.  But you don't eat 100% of Ptuj's chicken production...so why should you get 100% of the smell?  

They have been taking advantage of trusting, pissed-up folksy folk who know their place, if you ask me.

This chicken company in Ptuj is neither devil nor saint.  They are not entirely irresponsible.  I know people connected with the chicken place and I have seen them breathing.  

"I don't even notice it any more," one guy tells me as we park in the thick of it, for petrol, in front of the chicken place.  

Opinions vary about the odour detection limit of hydrogen sulphide but sources agree that when hydrogen sulfide reaches 100 ppm it quickly destroys the sense of smell.  

They don't mean the chicken's.

Please do eat the chicken and have a drink. 

But please don't go on about the smelly air and the flies.

It's not your place, is it.

Conclusion

1. Some of the chemicals found in Ptuj's air are found in poo.

2. Single chaps in Ptuj associate poo with gayness.

3. Breathing these chemicals is gradually turning Ptuj people gay.

4. The fact that even I have been unable to get laid in Ptuj proves that the air is to blame.

The internet does not support the transmission of smells.  However you could visit your nearest rendering plant to see what it smells like.  Click here to support Environmental Non-Tourism and Environmental Non-Investment. Choose any Slovenian business expert to explain that you don't want to go to Ptuj if it smells of chewed-up chicken shit, boiled bones, ground gizzards, broken beaks, fetid feet and lingering litter. Which it does. Click here now to self-select one email address at random and write a brief note explaining that you won't be coming. Everyone in Slovenia will hear about your message within a week.